Hakuna Matata

Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Angry because I can't make it right. Sad because I need you all the time. Upset because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don’t seem to understand. Disappointed because I can never be with you. I don't want to laugh because I know it's not going to help, but I don't want to mope because it will just make me feel worse. It seems like my heart is falling apart. Not only that, but I know my life is soon going to feel like it's falling apart too. Things just aren’t the same anymore. I don't think it will ever end, and no matter what you have done to me, it feels impossible to stop loving you. I know that I can never be anything more than a friend to you, if a close one at that. Despite this, I desperately check my cell phone every minute, hoping you will suddenly call me with a change of heart. I really have never had this much trouble with any girl up until now...

Everyone wonders why I still love you if you have hurt me so much. That's the confusing part, I don't know why, I just do. Love doesn't make sense, and fate decided to throw us together. After a few weeks, I finally feel a sense of relief, like I'm getting happy again, but I know inside that I'm just going into denial. After a few more weeks, I'm back to where I was, an empty soul and heavy heart. I thought I got over you, but really, I just stopped showing it. Close friends and music are the only things keeping me on the edge of sanity.

Heart break leaves deep scars inside that are there forever. No one really understands how I feel, and how deep I am hurt, because every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain I feel and carry everyday, so I learned that I am basically alone with all this. The feeling starts to overwhelm me, and suddenly I just break down, right there, because I know I've had enough. I'm to the point where I don't care about what other people think. I've spent so many long nights lying awake in bed, trying a thousand times to erase your memories of you. I’ve spent so many days being haunted by uncertainty of the future. I'm in the midst of all these mixed feelings, I know that it’s not helping any, and it's not going to bring you back, or even if I really ever had you in the first place.

I begin to ask myself pointless questions. If I happen to walk out of this room right now, forget everything, leave it all behind, and never come back, would I be okay with that? would you be okay with that? Can you even see me, did you forget completely, or are you hiding what you feel as I am? After what seems like months or even years, I finally pull myself back together and keep going. As you walk by, I have to force the words to come out of my mouth, even a simple “hello” is tough. My body gets tense, my vision blurs out everything but you, and I let out a long sigh as I struggle with my emotions, trying to hold them back. I still get butterflies when I see you, and when I imagine my future, it is always you there beside me. Is this a vision of a possible future, or merely wishful thinking?

Everyone says, "It will be okay…” but I know it won't be. And that’s the truth, it won’t be okay. I look back on all of the hurt I had from this, and I realize how cruel the world can be. I'm still hurt, but I've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks I am okay. So now every time I see you, I know I still love you, and I feel a slight tingle in my heart yearning for you to love me. I secretly scream out “I love you…I miss you...I need you”, but for some reason, you don’t hear it. Then I ask yourself how I even managed to live one day without you. Finally, I sit back, and wonder how one person could have caused all of this…

"When one door closes, another door opens, but we often look so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. Embrace pain. Sometimes those memories are something you can’t forget, maybe not even something you want to forget. Sometimes it feels like life slams you so hard against the wall that you can’t get up. But I say pull together what’s left of your dignity, and keep your head up. Most things in life come unexpected. If you start looking for something good, as a general rule you’ll eventually find it. Don’t look back, have no regrets, and live on"