My days

I'm struggling and conflicted inside.

Perhaps one of the worst things is that I know in my heart that there is hope! It's maddening because I've already fucked up once and I am not sure what I did but I cannot fuck up again. I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head.

Short-term, I want to just be there for you and have fun in an intimate relationship.

My libido desires you, and sometimes overrides all my thoughts with images of us. There are days and nights where my imagination runs wild with the fantasies we had, the sensations I felt, the raw attraction I have for you.

Long-term, I want to be with you in a serious relationship. Whenever I think about my future, you are always there. I've daydreamed about what we could have and that is what keeps me going some days. I see us having late steamy nights in our dorms in college. I see myself proposing to you soon after you graduate. I see us working at the same hospital, you a neonate nurse and me finishing my residency, sharing an apartment. I see us having kids. I see us together through life.

And then there's what you want. At least...what I think you want. I think about this most of all. You're 16. You're young. In me...you see a best friend. You say that you are not attracted to me but I think you are. I think you tell me otherwise because with me, you feel tied down. You feel like it is a serious relationship, and it scares you. You just want fun. You want a guy to make you feel sexy, a guy who is expendable. You want a fling, and that's not what I am. You don't want to be with me because you are afraid that you will hurt me, and I'm not what you want now.

I know that what we could have is something very special. I wonder when you will realize that too. Will you have to go through a few guys, a few relationships, a few heartbreaks before you realize it?

I wonder what I will do when you realize it.

Will i wait for you to realize it?